Today

Today I woke up and I wasn’t surprised by it for the first time in a while.

I went about the morning routine. I washed up. Brushed my teeth. Even did my hair up. I found the courage to look at myself in the mirror and smile.  Still crooked, still small, still nowhere near as bright as before but it was a smile and I loved it.

Today I stopped what I was doing and made sure I ate something.

A piece of candy. A protein bar. Some jerky. A pouch of applesauce. I made sure to step away from my desk and eat something for a moment before getting back into it. I even made myself take a water break and walk around to stretch my legs.

Today I went to work and allowed myself to daydream.

Not the best thing to do at my desk but I wasn’t engrossed in my work or computers from clock in to clock out. I sat back and let my mind wander to places long forgotten and collecting dust. I let myself sit there and imagine how things would have been different, and how they actually are from a set time in the past. A drastic change filled with uphill battles and numerous scars to bear. I let myself imagine a war and I was victorious at the top of it all, whose name would be sung like a glorious hymn for the ones still fighting and a lament for those who loss.

Today I remembered to stop and take my medicine.

A little alarm every day on the dot to step away and take my daily pills. One at a time now, take it with water and not coffee. Make sure to also stop and eat something with it. Swallow, rinse, repeat until its better. It won’t go away; it never goes away, but it can get better sometimes if I keep to the routine and train myself to respond to the alarm reminder. A Pavlovian effect tried and true, my hand reaching for the bottle at the buzz of my alarm on the dot. Swallow, rinse, repeat until it gets easier.

Today I was told I looked happier. Better. Livelier, and my reflection in the mirror smiled in agreement.

Baby steps were taken to get this far on the path but hearing that this herculean feat is visible to the world was a boost I didn’t know was needed. I thought I had it on my own, scaling up this wall with that weight of a thousand and one thoughts riding my back. Clinging to my skin.  A seductive whisper in my ear of toxic lies masking itself as sweet nothings while it fixes the halo around my neck tighter and tighter. The thoughts are still there, waiting as I build up patchwork armor against that come-hither voice. Still there but with those words from others that weight gets a little lighter and the thoughts grow softer in volume with each step.

Today I replied to a friend’s message and we talked for hours.

We shared silly pictures, talked about new shows and books. Gossiped about this and that, complained about work. We talked memories and makeup, we talked of mutual friends and those the other doesn’t personally know except through word of mouth. We laughed. We even planned to get together for the first time in months to catch up in person. They said they missed me, missed this me and that a lot of people have. I replied that I was one of those who missed ‘me’ as well. We cried. We talked. We laughed.

Today I looked around me and realized I had been neglectful.

There are others who have been hurting, by other mean or by my actions. Their own shoulders slumped under the weight of caring too much and having nothing reciprocated for weeks or months at a time. These are the people who tried to carry me down the path and I did nothing to help ease the burden of that weight bearing down on them until it spilled over to their own backs. Each lie of “I’m fine” or every monotonous “Don’t worry about me” spoken to them no better than a blade stabbing their heart and chipping away at their love and resolve to see me continue down that path.  I still carry my weight on my shoulders of those thoughts that wish to ensnare me again, and while they aren’t as heavy as before maybe I can shoulder theirs as I finally return the favor. Baby steps down the path, one foot in front of the other. That’s it. You got this. I’m proud of you.

Today I got in the car with my family and we drove.

We went to the next town over and had a day to ourselves. We gamed. We shopped for silly things and ate out. It was a day of what I wanted to do and I thought I wanted to just get out of the house. We laughed. We talked. We sang along to the music. The day meant to be for me turned into a day for us, and we planned to do it again the next week.  We went to the city and did it all again. Held hands on the drive home. We went out and had fun for the first time in a while together, and it was exactly what I wanted as much as I needed it.

Today I sat down and listened to my kid talk.

She talked about school and friends. Talked about her game and how far she was in it. “Can you believe it? I caught a shiny!” I listened to her laugh and vent her frustrations about school work or her Legos as she worked to put them together. I listened to her sing along the best she could in the backseat to my music as we drove to town. I listened to everything she did and learned more about her in that time than I had in months, like her teachers name or the name of her best friend. I listened to her even as I hugged her, and if she heard my crying, she said nothing about it. She just talked about her day like it was nothing.

Today I put down what I was doing and gave a hug.

It never hit me how much I missed it, and how touch starved I made myself over the months. Minimal contact had been an unspoken policy for me but now I give a hug whenever I can. Pull my kid into my lap and hug her close. Lean down to wrap my arms around someone from behind while they sat. Hold my boyfriend close at night and fall asleep easier. It’s a warm weight that acts as a balance for what is already on my shoulders. A warmth that counteracts the numbing chill that has settled in my chest, a fight for dominance to see which will keep my heart going or stop it. I give more hugs these days to keep that chill away.

Today I went about my day with ease.

I woke up with ease. Made sure to eat and take my meds. I talked and I listened, I dreamed and I laughed. I hugged with more love than I had felt in so long as if to make up for lost time. I held hands to help those down the path with me so we didn’t have to face it alone. I sang in the shower, in the car, in line at the checkout. I got out of the house and had fun with my family every other day, a day that went from ‘me’ to ‘us’. I felt love and gave it back with such ferocity and energy it left us all dazed. I felt happier.

I am happier.