There are some dirty secrets about having a kid that no one
shares with you. From the mother of one or more kids who has experience under
her belt to the nurse who first informs you that ‘Congrats! Now you have an
excuse for shoving all that food in your face and packing on the weight!’ they
all withhold pieces of information that, while seemingly unimportant at the
time, would have been nice to know about before and even after childbirth.
What are these secrets I keep bitching about? Well, let’s
break this down into two separate categories: the ‘not-so secret’ secrets, and
the actual secrets. Sounds easy to remember, right?
Not-So Secrets
·
You will
more than likely piss or shit yourself during the joyous few moments of
actually pushing a kid out. You may think you won’t- and you may be one of
those few who are lucky enough to somehow not- but there’s a big chance you
will. This is apparently normal and the nurses on hand have seen it enough
times to become desensitized, so this gives you a false sense of relaxation
knowing you’ve resorted to your five year old tendency of wetting the bed. Only
this time you have an excuse. Good for you.
·
There
will be blood. What the hell do you expect? You’re pushing out a human
fucking being from a small hole that at most has only had to deal with bits of
your uterus falling out once a month. You are going to tear and it’s going to
suck later on down the road during those frequent bathroom breaks. Thankfully,
the staff has come prepared and gives you this seasons new design of mesh
panties, antiseptic spray (with pain reliever thank fuck) and a small plastic
bottle that you use to clean your torn and extremely sore self after every
little piss. This is going to be tedious on one hand, a constant cycle of
‘piss-spritz-pat dry-antiseptic’. Rinse and repeat for the next couple of weeks
or until you think you’re capable of taking a leak without causing damage.
·
On the
same note, you’re going to want to invest in some pads. None of those
dainty pieces of shit that you might be accustomed to, oh no. You’re going to
want to get the long, overstuffed granny pads to go right along with those
granny mesh panties. Remember the ones you got from the school nurse or the
school machine? Those are about to become your best friend until you stop
bleeding out of your ripped hole. You’re going to look like you’re packing something in your pants, but who the
fuck cares? You just pushed out a kid. And don’t even think about reaching for
those tampons. Just think of those as nuclear waste or some shit and push them
to the back of the cabinet.
·
You’re
still going to be eating for two. Breastfeeding is one of the most natural
and wonderful bonding experiences a mom can have with a newborn. It’s also one
of the most draining a new mom deals with- literally. Whether you pump it out
by the baby bottle or let the little sucker get it direct from the source,
you’re going to be burning those calories left and right. So use the excuse
that you’re eating for two when you reach for that second mini-snack or
something. Just remember baby isn’t going to be magically draining that baby
fat away, so re-learn some self-control the closer you get to weaning.
I’m sure I skimmed over a few things, but it’s been three
years since I’ve gone through any of this so bear with me. Now that we got past the first stage, let’s
move on to the one everyone has been waiting for.
Actual Secrets
·
Those
nice nurses from before are about to make you squirm. Minutes after pushing
out a kid, you’re going to be left exhausted beyond all reason and look like
you just got back from a night at the bar with your friends. You may even look
like you got the shit knocked out of you, which in a sense you sort of did. All
you’re going to want is to rest for a bit and try to wrap your head around the
fact that you just pushed out a fucking watermelon from a lemon-sized hole.
Those nurses are going to come in- or at least one of them- and congratulate
you on your successful endeavor of childbirth.
And then they’re
going to practically use your poor deflated stomach as an example of how to
properly knead dough.
It’s going to
knock the wind out of you and it’s going to make you want to punch the nearest
thing (husbands and boyfriends are advised to keep their distance at this time
for safety concerns) and you’re going to be faintly reminded of how period
pains felt before you became a baby making machine for nine months. Once done,
the nurse will leave and come back every other hour or so to knead your uterus
back into shape. Just think of it as a deep tissue massage that you never want
again.
·
Your ass
is going to be traumatized for about a week or more. This is going to be
expected as you have fucking birthed a kid from a hole that is just a thin perineum
away. Trips to the bathroom for anything other than the tedious task of taking
a piss will be out of the question. That bowl of beans you had for lunch? It’s
not going anywhere. That fruit salad you scarfed down? Sorry buddy, that’s
going to settle down in your gut for a bit. Your ass is going to be so scared
of letting anything slip out, you won’t even be able to pass gas. It sucks and
no amount of laxatives or anything will help alleviate some of that discomfort,
but once you’re finally able to coax your poor ass that no, there won’t be
anything as big as a baby coming out of your body, that next trip to the toilet
is going to be the best fucking feeling you will experience in years. There
will be an angelic choir in the distance singing Halle-fucking-lujah as you
take your first dump in a week or more.
·
There is
going to be A LOT of blood. We touched base on this in the previous
segment, but there’s just not enough time in the world to explain how much
there is. You’re going to feel like you’re getting slammed with your first
period in months- which you technically are I suppose- but the pain that it
brings is going to be horrendous. Not to mention that providing your little
bundle of joy with that homemade mommy-baby booby milk is going to help speed
up the process of shrinking your uterus back to normal size. (Having PTSD
flashbacks to the nurses making fucking pretzels of your sagging stomach is a
normal thing.) The ‘flow’ is going to get lighter as the days go on, so think
of it as just another period or something.
Now there is a fine line between the normal allotted amount of
blood that is passed and the amount that raises suspicions that ‘Hey I think
something might be fucking wrong with my lady bits’, and should be closely
monitored. The first day in the hospital the nurses are going to monitor how
much pee you’re able to pass without a catheter and how much of it is bloody.
All of which is just so much fun.
Again, I’m probably skipping over some things that went on
but again, it’s been about three years since I popped my Little Monster out and
I have no intentions of going through that shit any time in the foreseeable
future. So my questions to any mom reading are:
What little secrets did you learn after childbirth that no
one seemed to tell you about? Do those that go through c-sections experience
something similar or different in the first days of giving birth?
