Dirty Little Secrets

There are some dirty secrets about having a kid that no one shares with you. From the mother of one or more kids who has experience under her belt to the nurse who first informs you that ‘Congrats! Now you have an excuse for shoving all that food in your face and packing on the weight!’ they all withhold pieces of information that, while seemingly unimportant at the time, would have been nice to know about before and even after childbirth.

What are these secrets I keep bitching about? Well, let’s break this down into two separate categories: the ‘not-so secret’ secrets, and the actual secrets. Sounds easy to remember, right?

Not-So Secrets

·         You will more than likely piss or shit yourself during the joyous few moments of actually pushing a kid out. You may think you won’t- and you may be one of those few who are lucky enough to somehow not- but there’s a big chance you will. This is apparently normal and the nurses on hand have seen it enough times to become desensitized, so this gives you a false sense of relaxation knowing you’ve resorted to your five year old tendency of wetting the bed. Only this time you have an excuse. Good for you.

·         There will be blood. What the hell do you expect? You’re pushing out a human fucking being from a small hole that at most has only had to deal with bits of your uterus falling out once a month. You are going to tear and it’s going to suck later on down the road during those frequent bathroom breaks. Thankfully, the staff has come prepared and gives you this seasons new design of mesh panties, antiseptic spray (with pain reliever thank fuck) and a small plastic bottle that you use to clean your torn and extremely sore self after every little piss. This is going to be tedious on one hand, a constant cycle of ‘piss-spritz-pat dry-antiseptic’. Rinse and repeat for the next couple of weeks or until you think you’re capable of taking a leak without causing damage.

·         On the same note, you’re going to want to invest in some pads. None of those dainty pieces of shit that you might be accustomed to, oh no. You’re going to want to get the long, overstuffed granny pads to go right along with those granny mesh panties. Remember the ones you got from the school nurse or the school machine? Those are about to become your best friend until you stop bleeding out of your ripped hole. You’re going to look like you’re packing something in your pants, but who the fuck cares? You just pushed out a kid. And don’t even think about reaching for those tampons. Just think of those as nuclear waste or some shit and push them to the back of the cabinet.

·         You’re still going to be eating for two. Breastfeeding is one of the most natural and wonderful bonding experiences a mom can have with a newborn. It’s also one of the most draining a new mom deals with- literally. Whether you pump it out by the baby bottle or let the little sucker get it direct from the source, you’re going to be burning those calories left and right. So use the excuse that you’re eating for two when you reach for that second mini-snack or something. Just remember baby isn’t going to be magically draining that baby fat away, so re-learn some self-control the closer you get to weaning.

I’m sure I skimmed over a few things, but it’s been three years since I’ve gone through any of this so bear with me.  Now that we got past the first stage, let’s move on to the one everyone has been waiting for.

Actual Secrets

·         Those nice nurses from before are about to make you squirm. Minutes after pushing out a kid, you’re going to be left exhausted beyond all reason and look like you just got back from a night at the bar with your friends. You may even look like you got the shit knocked out of you, which in a sense you sort of did. All you’re going to want is to rest for a bit and try to wrap your head around the fact that you just pushed out a fucking watermelon from a lemon-sized hole. Those nurses are going to come in- or at least one of them- and congratulate you on your successful endeavor of childbirth.

And then they’re going to practically use your poor deflated stomach as an example of how to properly knead dough.  

It’s going to knock the wind out of you and it’s going to make you want to punch the nearest thing (husbands and boyfriends are advised to keep their distance at this time for safety concerns) and you’re going to be faintly reminded of how period pains felt before you became a baby making machine for nine months. Once done, the nurse will leave and come back every other hour or so to knead your uterus back into shape. Just think of it as a deep tissue massage that you never want again.

·         Your ass is going to be traumatized for about a week or more. This is going to be expected as you have fucking birthed a kid from a hole that is just a thin perineum away. Trips to the bathroom for anything other than the tedious task of taking a piss will be out of the question. That bowl of beans you had for lunch? It’s not going anywhere. That fruit salad you scarfed down? Sorry buddy, that’s going to settle down in your gut for a bit. Your ass is going to be so scared of letting anything slip out, you won’t even be able to pass gas. It sucks and no amount of laxatives or anything will help alleviate some of that discomfort, but once you’re finally able to coax your poor ass that no, there won’t be anything as big as a baby coming out of your body, that next trip to the toilet is going to be the best fucking feeling you will experience in years. There will be an angelic choir in the distance singing Halle-fucking-lujah as you take your first dump in a week or more.

·         There is going to be A LOT of blood. We touched base on this in the previous segment, but there’s just not enough time in the world to explain how much there is. You’re going to feel like you’re getting slammed with your first period in months- which you technically are I suppose- but the pain that it brings is going to be horrendous. Not to mention that providing your little bundle of joy with that homemade mommy-baby booby milk is going to help speed up the process of shrinking your uterus back to normal size. (Having PTSD flashbacks to the nurses making fucking pretzels of your sagging stomach is a normal thing.) The ‘flow’ is going to get lighter as the days go on, so think of it as just another period or something.

Now there is a fine line between the normal allotted amount of blood that is passed and the amount that raises suspicions that ‘Hey I think something might be fucking wrong with my lady bits’, and should be closely monitored. The first day in the hospital the nurses are going to monitor how much pee you’re able to pass without a catheter and how much of it is bloody. All of which is just so much fun.

Again, I’m probably skipping over some things that went on but again, it’s been about three years since I popped my Little Monster out and I have no intentions of going through that shit any time in the foreseeable future. So my questions to any mom reading are:

What little secrets did you learn after childbirth that no one seemed to tell you about? Do those that go through c-sections experience something similar or different in the first days of giving birth?